Fuck Off Summer…

​Its the weekend which means the darling kids are at home…and I couldn’t be in any more of a “can’t be arsed” mood if I tried 😣

The 3yo has learnt a new phrase…

Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome to the stage…“ITS NOT FAIR”πŸ€—πŸ‘

Me: So, INF, how does it feel to be back?

INF: Yeah it feels good. Its good. I’ve been away for a while as you know. Work load dwindled a bit and it was time to leave for pastures new, but I am glad to be back. I did briefly make an appearance last year with The 14yo but you didnt like that very much so I left.

Me: Yes, I remember. It really wasnt a good time at all and Im glad you left when you did…Im not sure my nerves could of lasted. So what made you come back?

INF: Well it was The 3yo actually. I hadn’t been around to influence her, and as I had done with the previous two I thought it was time.

Me: You know I will beat you again don’t you? I will win.

INF: Have you met The 3yo?

Me: I vaguely remember giving birth to the screaming little turd…

INF: Then we have an understanding?

Me: *sighs in hands*

INF: I’ll go and unpack…

I’m literally on my last nerve. It’s been 1000 fucking degrees outside and I’m almost melting. I must be melting because I’m pretty sure a human can’t sweat that much without it being classed as melting. We have had the pool up for 4 days straight and after the second day we got sick of emptying and refilling it so now the pool resembles some bug invested graveyard. Dont judge me. The little darlings are in it for about 5 minutes before they get bored. I figured that if they were just dipping in it to cool down then no harm was done.

Speaking of the children…this hot weather really, really tests your patience as a parent. If you thought your weekends of freezing cold weather and snow piled up to your knickers, with kids screaming blue murder because they are bored, were hard then the blistering heat we have now, coupled with screaming bored kids, is a kick in the face. They wanna get dressed to go outside. Its too hot to go outside so they strip and you end up closing the curtains so the neighbours are shielded from bare bums. You put the fan on so that its blasting actual wind from Mt Everest because the curtains are trapping the fucking heat and you think you are gonna die. The kids cry because its cold so you turn the fan off. Then the kids decide they want an ice cream but because of the sporadic weather here, it didnt occur to you that we would end up being thrown into the heat of Hell for 4 days straight and so therefore you didnt stock up. You realise that you need to go to the shops…

Now a trip to the Supermarket is daunting at anytime. We know that there are times that should be avoided and we do try really hard. However when you have darling children they often dont give a toss and its almost daily that they need something or you have run out of something because food in the house disappears quicker than you can eat it. Someone forgot to put in the parenting book that when you have kids you are actually feeding a pack of starved lions that need to eat and drink every 30 minutes.

Anyways, back to the supermarket. This obviously meant the kids needed dressing again and by this point I didnt give two hoots at what they wore. As long as the main bits were covered up and they were free of crustations around their mouths I was good to go. The 3yo even decided she was gonna wear her wellys…and not one fuck was given by me. The heat does that to you I think. We got to the Supermarket and I instantly regretted the decision. It would of been far easier to walk around town until we found an ice cream van selling 99’s for the price of a mortgage. 

What is it about the hot weather that makes everyone go mental? Didn’t we all do this last year? And the year before that? HOW MANY BBQs DO YOU NEED?? Everyone I saw was carrying a BBQ…gas ones, coal ones, disposable ones. Its like we all suddenly realised that the sun was out and because we had no idea how long it would last we all decided to break into our overdrafts and buy enough food and drink to have the whole damn town round for the impromptu BBQ. And speaking of drink…we seem to ignore normal standards of society and crack open the booze and pour it over our cornflakes, but hey, its Summer right? 

Once inside, the kids immediately pegged it in different directions and I momentarily got lost in thought whilst looking at the offers on the booze that they stick right in front of the store when the sun shows any sign of life. I eventually locate the demons down the toy aisle, and once I had threatened the existence of their tablets if they didnt move with me to the freezers for the one bloody thing we had come in for, they reluctantly left the shiny heaven of overpriced, jazzed up shit.

I wont bore you with the details regarding buying the sodding ice creams. Im sure you can guess if you have kids that nothing runs smoothly. We had shouting, screaming, crying, Its Not Fair turned up a couple of times which wasn’t needed. Other parents were looking at me and some even offered a sympathetic smile before walking off with Samson and Ricardo Jr, plodding nicely behind said parents in their crisp chino shorts and boat deck shoes. Fuck them. I decided to grab a box of each from the Β£1 section and headed to the checkouts. On my way, at the end of an asile there was more booze on offer. I didnt even break pace as I picked up the big green bottle of familiar liquid and tucked it under my arm. The kids must of known that I was on a mission because it was suddenly very quiet near me.

On the walk home I hummed to myself as the devils ripped into the boxes and destroyed the half melted ice creams (did I mention its 1000 fucking degrees outside and they wanted the one thing thats NOT designed for this scorching weather…?) As we got to the front door I didnt even attempt to look at them as I knew they would be covered and the 3yo would have half of it dripping into her wellys. I let them in and told them they were to go straight into the garden where I got the hose pipe and proceeded to spray them down. They thought it was hilarious, I knew it was necessary. They begged to play with it themsleves so I happily passed the hose over and went back inside. 

Sitting down on the sofa with the fan back on and a large gin in my hand I listened to the beautiful sounds of The 3yo holding The 8yo to ransom with water.

Summer is great isn’t it?




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