I Only Love Her when She Sleeps…

I have never known anything like it in my 8 years as a Mother.

The 8yo was a dream as a baby. Infact, if i could do it all again and I could choose the easy life then damn straight I would have 3 of him in one go. That doesn’t mean I love my other children any less, it just means that the old saying “They never tell you this in the books…” is currently replacing the welcome sign on my front door as a polite warning to anyone that dares step over the threshold.

If I could write a handbook…a genuine truthful handbook on parenting, I know it wouldn’t get published. Not because it was written by a clinically depressed mother hooked on G&T and still clinging to the dregs of her 20’s, but because it would be so bloody brutal that it would put any potential parent off for life. I would effectively kill the human race.

Ive just put The 3yo to bed. The 8yo went off on his own with the normal kiss and cuddle and The 14yo still has an hour to kill on Instagram so it meant I spent the next half hour reading stories and singing songs and wearing the skin off my hands whilst I rub her back. I dont know why it takes half hour…but its the routine she is used to. Anyways, what made me write this post today was as I was using my well practised Ninja skills to leave the room, I looked over to her and saw this…

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This is probably the most beautiful picture a mother could ever witness. Her little shit of a toddler has somehow turned into this beautiful angel. So peaceful and calm. Pure innocence.

I felt the most intense surge of love for this girl and every bone in my body wanted to walk back over, pick her up and hold her tight…

Luckily I was born with a half decent brain and immediately left the room and I now have a fresh G&T in my hand.

Please dont get the title of this post wrong. I do genuinely and insanely love my children but from 6am every morning till 8pm every night all thoughts of love go out of my head.

The thing about parenting (and the thing they most certainly do not tell you in the books) is that actually sometimes we dont like our children. Its perfectly normal. Infact, if you come to tell me that you like your children every single minute of every single day then I would be very, very concerned. We are human after all. We all have our own emotions, thoughts, feelings and general needs.

Most days I feel like an over programmed robot. The Future Hubby reckons we are in our own version of Groundhog Day. Every day literally feels the same, and so in a sense it is completely impossible to feel the same emotions and feelings as the day before. That thought stretches to my kids aswell. I can’t like them everyday and sometimes in the stress of the every day routine I forget the love too.

The other day I got my first “I dont love you anymore Mummy…” from The 3yo. She was angry at me because I wouldnt let her have sweets at 8 in the morning. In her little toddler brain that was a justified reaction and to be fair to her she has no idea of the difference between like and love she was just clever enough to know that it might hurt me and then she would get sweets. HaHa!

Like I said above, its 6am till 8pm. Every. Single. Day. She’s even getting to the point where she skips a nap after lunch and that can be either a blessing because she will fall asleep quicker at bedtime or it will mean she is about unleash Hell for the next 5 hours because she is over tired. I have never known a child to be so demanding and on the go and it doesn’t look like she is gonna give up anytime soon.

So yes, the terrifying truth is that I only love her when she sleeps. But thats only because its the only time I am allowed to feel it. When the house is quiet and I can gather my thoughts and process the day. Yes, she acted like a spoilt brat and demanded everything. She screamed because we wouldn’t buy her a bright pink calculater which meant her World Domination plans were on hold for a few days. She stamped her foot so many times I thought she would wear a hole in the concrete (we were out for the day) and she shouted for all to hear “I NEVER GET MY OWN WAY!!” Which promted me to almost piss myself with laughter because if Motherhood has taught me anything its that I dont give a shit for tantrums in public. Nor do I care what people think when I blatantly ignore said child.

Im incredibly grateful for the time I get when the kids are in bed. It isn’t just an excuse to have a drink, binge on Netflix or crack open the good chocolate you’ve hidden from little eyes. For me, its a time when I can truly appreciate how much love I have for them and how my life would be so awful without them. And although I am off to go find another drink and then catch up on Netflix, Im also going to take another look at that picture of my angel again and remember that feeling of love she gave me.

In the morning it will be gone, and my Robot Mum mode will be activated.

xCx

We Are Not Afraid…

I’ve looked at this picture for a long time and I’ve relived the emotions again and again. My heart stopped, I couldnt breathe and I barely managed to capture the evidence for future story telling.

You see, this picture was taken at a fair local to me about 4 days ago. But its not the picture that caused so much emotion for me, its what it represented.

My 3yo is up there…in one of them chairs. With a thin metal bar stopping her from falling to the ground. She begged me and her Dad to go on the ride. She had seen how high it went and she didnt care. She wasnt afraid at all. I could hear her squeals of delight as it went up and her smile was worth a million. I took the picture…to remind myself in the future that everything turned out ok.

It was the day after the London Bridge attacks. Whilst families like myself were going about our day, other families were torn to shreds upon learning that loved ones had died or had been injured in the barbaric event. These people had been out, having fun with friends or returning home from work after a long day. These were normal every day people doing normal every day things.

However the most remarkable thing about all of this was that just over a week before, there had been another attack in Manchester where more people had died, including a young girl of 8. It was remarkable in the sense that despite all this, the world didnt stop. People were angry, confused and upset but it didnt stop anyone from going back out there and sticking 2 fingers up.

I’ve seen posts after the attacks that discuss talking to children about the attacks, terrorism and death. They give advice on how to speak to your child about the things they have seen or heard on the news or in thier peer groups. Apprently its something we need to do in order to prepare our children.

I call complete bullshit on that. To me, telling children of whats going on in the world is daylight robbery of the one thing we are trying to provide our kids, an innocent childhood. I am very very aware of how lucky my children are to be growing up in a country that provides health services and education, where my kids can wake up and not have to worry about where their next meal is coming from or weather they are going to have to fight to survive another day. Why on Earth do we need to talk to children about the state of our world and make them worry for no reason? Why on Earth should our children have any anxiety about going on a bus or going to a concert just incase something happens?

Yes, the world is in tatters and innocent people are getting hurt. But this has been going on long before we ourselves were children. I grew up watching The Twin Towers collapse, I watched top members of Parliment crush our country into more debt and dispair, buses got blown up in London and a second Gulf War was created and yet not once do I ever remember being scared. Not once do I remember my parents sitting me down and explaining about all the bad stuff that was happening around us. We still went on planes, we still went to London for day trips and got on buses. Nothing changed.

Children deserve to feel safe and protected. They deserve to have fun without any worry. Those children that went to the concert in Manchester didnt have a clue of the horror that faced them. All they were thinking about was the fun they were going to have and the memories they would create. No one knows what is going to happen or what the future holds.

My 3yo looked at that ride and saw nothing but fun. She wasnt thinking about the potential danger, she didn’t think about the fear, she just knew she wanted to do it. This is how children should be living their lives. In complete innocence and without worry.

Its our job as adults to do the worrying and to fix what mistakes we made so our children dont grow up in a world where fear runs their life.

Do what you have been putting off. Skydive, climb a moutain, go for that drink with that guy, quit your job and go travelling. Live. Your. Life.

If we don’t, then what hope do our children have?

xCx

The Five Year Gap…

Hey there! So we are now entering the “i can do it, im a big girl” phase WHOOP!!

Anyways…I hope you like this one xx

We have 3 magic numbers in our house. They consist of the 3 year old girl, the 8 year old boy and the 14 year old girl. My kids. 
They all hold one thing in common. 

There are about five years between each of them. 

It wasn’t done on purpose. We have two families so to speak in our home. There’s me and my boy then theres my partner and his 14 year old daughter. The youngest is ours together which joins us all as one. 

Im happy with that. My workload is hard and my days are long but it’s rewarding in its own little way. 

The one thing I wasn’t counting on was the hell that came with the age gaps. It’s a complete nightmare trying to make sure that each of the kids are happy every day. I personally feel that I’ve not accomplished one day…let alone everyday.

Each child has completely different needs. What works for one in the form of entertainment doesnt work for the other two. What two of them want to do the other one wont. We have arguments every single day. Thats normal in itself I suppose but it’s so damn hard!! 

The Three Year Old

If I was going to put an order to how difficult each child was on a daily basis I would put my two year old at the very top. She’s a whirlwind. She literally runs the house. The youngest one with the biggest gob and the most demanding nature I have ever seen. I can’t keep up with her. The day I figure her out is the day she ups her game and I have to start all over again. 

Let me give you an insight as to what its like living with her and how mature and grown up…and how insanely switched on she is for a 3 year old.

The other day I had come home from work with the hope that my kids were tucked up in bed and I could have a cheeky glass of vino before hitting the pillow myself. I rounded the corner to my house and noticed our bedroom light was on (she currently sleeps in our room in her own bed) so it was the first question I had to ask The Future Hubby…he however was as baffled as me as he left The 3 Year Old in her bed asleep. When I ventured up there she was sitting proud as punch on my bed. I asked her why the light was on (infact all the lights were on including my fairy lights above my bed) 

The 3 Year Old:  It was too dark to sleep mummy.

Me:  Yes ok but you need to go back to bed please. Its dark because its bedtime.

The 3 Year Old: My bed isnt comfy enough.

This went on for another 15 minutes with various questions and I eventually realised that almost an hour after being put to bed she was clearly wide awake and was not going to attempt to lay back down. So I decided to bring her downstairs with me for a bit much to the annoyance of myself and Future Hubby.

After almost half hour of her messing around downstairs and asking for breakfast….juice….blanket….Paw Patrol on the tablet I turned to her and told her to settle down, that I was going to ignore her and chill out for a bit before me and her both go to bed.

10 Seconds Later….

The 3 Year Old:  Mummy…

Mummy…

Mummy…

MUMMY!!!

Me: Yes? (I really gritted my teeth)

The 3 Year Old:  Ha! I thought you were ignoring me.

I shit you not I could of swung for that child. Future Hubby was laughing, The 3 Year Old just sat there staring at the tablet with the straightest face and I resembled something like a goldfish at feeding time. I had no words and I was completely floored by her.

Ive spawned the Devil and I apologise to all of mankind right now. 

The 8 Year Old

This is my boy. My first born, my only son, mummy’s little prince. I love him dearly, I wouldn’t change him for the world…but my God is he hard to bring up in todays world.

When he was born I had all these wonderful ideas of how he is going to grow up and what he was going to be when he was older. And to be fair those dreams are still there, but I fear that they are just dreams. When he was 6 he was diagnosed with ADHD and 2 years later with DCD which is a mobility disorder. He is the most loving and caring child out of all three that I have but his disability has alot of drawbacks. For instance, The 3 Year Old is actually far more intelligent in her mind and can understand things a lot quicker than he can. Its nice to see that she will have no hardship growing up or have issues at school but it is also very upsetting to watch. A five year gap should be more apparent in mental age and learning capability but both of them are pretty much on the same level with The 3 Year Old progressing a lot faster than her older brother. I can’t explain the feeling I have in my stomach knowing that he is getting left further and further behind. 

To be fair though when it comes to entertaining him, he is pretty simple…both him and The 3 Year Old can binge on Peppa Pig like its being cancelled tomorrow.

The 14 Year Old

One day I’m gonna shake my mum’s hand. Not sure when yet, because you know, pride and all that but I know I need to.

HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO IT??!!!

My mum has done it twice…with two girls, and now she is about to go through her 3rd…also a girl. I think my mum is insane. Ive been in The 14 Year Old’s life since she was 9 and I genuinely hate teenagers. Not because of her but because nowadays they are just awful! Was I like that? 

Anyways…entertainment wise shes pretty easy but she literally has no imagination. Its all Insta this and Face that…selfies, miming to music lyrics, duck face and ridiculous fashion sense…but if that was taken off of her for whatever reason and you asked her to read a book or do some art or anything that didnt invole a screen…its like the world has ended. Literally. She is at that awful stage where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with the younger two but when shes forced to it has to be on her terms or not at all.

She also likes to mother my kids.

We clash alot.

So theres a slight insight to my daily grind of keeping everybody happy. There is The Future Hubby to contend with too but to be fair at the age of 38 he’s pretty darn easy. Feed. Cuddle. Playstation. 

Done.

xCx