The Real Guide On How To Raise A Toddler…

Congratulations! You’ve had a baby…it was hard wasn’t it? All those sleepless nights….bottle feeds (or breast feeds) endless nappies and waving goodbye to your social life was worth it in the end. You were greatly rewarded with the first smiles, first steps, first words, cuddles, kisses and the pure joy of your baby laughing and smiling at thier favorite things. Thier first birthday came and went with fun filled activities, family members popping round with lavish gifts and cards and you had the relief of knowing you had made it all happen and created this happiness. You feel extremely blessed to have had such a lovely year with your baby and you looked forward to the years to come.
So as you lay your dearest child down for the night before they turn 2 the next day, you know things are going to be just fine. You wonder what it was all about when your friends and family joked with you about tough times ahead.

You smile inwardly as you stroke your little angels hair and softly walk out the room.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be great.

The first signs are hardly noticeable…the now 2 year old still looks the same, and to a degree they still behave the same. That, however, is thier evil plan being put into place. Two year olds have the amazing ability to make you completely unaware that they are actually Satan’s minions right up until the point that they do something that makes you wonder in complete shock at how something so sweet and small could cause such huge chaos.

For me I’ve lived through and still going through 2 lots of this awful phase. My first taste of it was with my boy. To be fair he was tame in comparison. Yes, he gave me a run for my money, I spent endless shopping trips with him laying on the floor screaming and refusing to budge but as a single mum back then I learnt to cope and eventually he came to realise that I was not one to mess with. I think he sent info back to Satan HQ and made them up their game because when my girl hit 2 years old…GOOD GRIEF!!!

When she was born I knew she had a fight on her hands. She has two older siblings, so she was gonna have to push hard for her place in the pecking order…and boy did she push.

Rather than give you endless text on various stories over the last 12 months that have bought me to the conclusion that she is this mental whirlwind, I’m going to give you a list of do’s and dont’s with a toddler. 

  1. The first time they answer you back…for the love of GOD please do not laugh or think it is cute. They are not flexing thier boundaries. Forget the baby book drivel. This is EXACTLY what Satan HQ want from you and once you give them the go ahead it will never stop. 
  2. If she sees it, is hers. If she wants it, its hers. She will stop at nothing and her goal will be achieved because at the end of the day she has way more stamina at this age than you do. Oodles of it.
  3. Believe it or not but thier goal is not to have that one thing they have been screaming for the last hour for. Its amazing at how quickly they will stop crying when sweets, tv or a trip to the park is offered instead of the chewed up Argos catalogue you threw in the bin earlier. The thing you just offered to distract them WAS thier main goal. Trust me.
  4. If he runs around the living room pretending to be an aeroplane and you ask him to calm down before he hurts himself…stop. Dont waste your breath. Satan HQ have installed a translation app in his brain. It literally translates to “you want me to run faster?” He will run faster, he will fall over and hurt himself and he will make it completely your fault.
  5. Don’t  give them something as a ‘one off’ THIS IS NEVER THE CASE!! Once you give in once then that is it. You will be set up for life. Sleeping in mummy and daddys bed, bedtime snack, tv, tablet, sweets, snacks of any kind at any time, that toy they wanted at the supermarket…seriously just don’t.
  6. Never expect to have peace. Ever. Even in the toilet. I know that this is common knowledge but seriously its much worse than you could ever imagine. Once your butt hits that seat you are doomed for the next 5 minutes. They will want to watch you. Then Peppa Pig will want to watch you. Then their box of dinosaurs will need to come in and be lined up to watch you. Only after the millionth time of you asking them to leave, they will leave. No more or no less. It will be at the millionth time. Then off they go leaving the door wide open for the rest of the family to hear you do your business. I’ve yet to find a cure for this so ill get back to you.
  7.  Dare I mention Peppa Pig? Or Paw Patrol? Umi Zoomi?? OMFG!!!!! Once your little darling has latched on to one of these delightful programmes you will lose all ounce of sanity and start wondering if you have the will to sell up and move to one of those tiny islands off Japan. Seriously….start saving.
  8. While on the small point of saving up…do it. No, not for that small island but for your money grabbing toddler. Seriously. The minute you say yes to that small stupid thing they wanted in the shops with Peppas face on it…thats it. The point of nooooo return. After this please relinquish all of your hard earned savings to your darling child so they can continue thier quest on owning every piece of shit with that pigs face on it.
  9. DONT ever enjoy the silence when your toddler is in the house because that is when the mouth of hell is opening. The only time this is acceptable is when they are asleep…and even this is dangerous. My advice is to wait until they are out of the house which to be fair is never as they are hell bent on making sure you have no soul left and that your mental state is that of a vegatable, crying in the corner holding a juice box and reciting the theme tune to Paw Patrol. Trust me.

      Finally please remember that this phase will pass. You may cry alot, scream alot, drink alot and pretty much be in debt for the most part but it will pass. You’ll go on to have 8 years of harmony with bringing up your child. 

      Why 8 years you ask?

      Well that sweet little baby that drove you mad as a toddler and made you wonder what the fuss was about as they grew up will need to move on to the next phase that Satan HQ has installed.

      Operation Teenager.

      And I’m sorry to break the news, but there’s no guide on earth to help you with that.